“Do you think everything is okay?”
“Are you sure you’re not upset with me?”
“Do you think everything will be fine?”
Sometimes a question seems to be simply looking for an answer. But when the need for reassurance becomes frequent, urgent and difficult to stop, it can become something else: a strategy used to temporarily reduce anxiety.
Seeking reassurance is not inherently problematic. We all need reassurance or support at certain moments.
The difficulty may arise when reassurance becomes necessary to feel safe, make a decision or tolerate uncertainty.
In these situations, a cycle can develop in which reassurance reduces anxiety in the short term but ultimately contributes to maintaining it over time.
What is reassurance seeking?
In psychology, reassurance seeking refers to repeatedly looking for confirmation, reassurance or information in an attempt to reduce doubt, worry or emotional discomfort.
It can take many different forms:
- repeatedly asking a partner whether the relationship is okay;
- asking others whether a decision is the right one;
- continuously searching online for information about a symptom;
- rereading messages to determine whether something was interpreted incorrectly;
- mentally replaying a conversation to check whether a mistake was made;
- asking for reassurance even after receiving an answer.
The important factor is therefore not simply asking for reassurance, but the role this behaviour plays in managing anxiety.
Why does reassurance work, at least at first?
Imagine having a doubt:
“Maybe my partner is angry with me.”
Anxiety increases. We ask:
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
The other person responds:
“Yes, absolutely.”
For a while, we feel better.
This immediate reduction in anxiety can make it more likely that, the next time a doubt appears, we will seek reassurance again.
From a behavioural perspective, this can be understood as negative reinforcement: a behaviour becomes more likely because it temporarily removes or reduces an unpleasant experience.
The brain may therefore learn something different from what we intended:
“When I feel anxious, I need external reassurance in order to feel better.”
The reassurance paradox
If reassurance reduces anxiety, why can it become part of the problem?
Because the relief is often temporary.
The doubt may return:
“Yes, they said everything is fine… but maybe they weren’t being honest.”
At that point, we may need another reassurance.
And then another.
The cycle can therefore look like this:
doubt → anxiety → reassurance seeking → relief → new doubt → reassurance seeking again.
The person is not intentionally trying to maintain their anxiety. Quite the opposite: they are trying to feel better.
This is precisely what can make the pattern so difficult to recognise.
Reassurance or the need for certainty?
At the core of this behaviour there may be a broader difficulty: tolerating uncertainty.
In everyday life, we cannot know with absolute certainty:
- how a relationship will develop;
- whether a decision will turn out to be the right one;
- how a job interview will go;
- whether someone will continue to care about us;
- whether a physical symptom will have serious consequences;
- whether we have made the best possible choice.
For some people, however, uncertainty is experienced not simply as unpleasant, but as something that must be resolved immediately.
Research on intolerance of uncertainty has consistently linked difficulties tolerating uncertainty with a range of anxiety-related processes.
In this context, reassurance can become an attempt to transform an uncertain situation into something that feels certain.
When it happens in relationships
The need for reassurance can be particularly noticeable in close relationships.
“Do you still love me?”
“Are you sure?”
“Why did you say it like that?”
“Are you angry with me?”
Some reassurance seeking is completely normal within a relationship. It can even be a healthy way of seeking emotional closeness.
It can become more problematic when a person feels unable to tolerate the absence of reassurance or interprets every small change in another person’s behaviour as a possible sign of rejection or abandonment.
In these situations, reassurance may initially reduce anxiety while simultaneously reinforcing the belief that without external confirmation, it is impossible to feel safe.
This can also affect the relationship itself: the partner may gradually feel responsible for regulating the other person’s anxiety and experience repeated requests for reassurance as increasingly demanding.
When reassurance becomes checking
Sometimes reassurance seeking does not appear as a direct question.
It can take the form of checking:
- checking several times that a door is locked;
- repeatedly reviewing a message before sending it;
- searching online for health-related information;
- reconsidering a decision that has already been made;
- continually looking for signs that “everything is okay.”
In these situations, the boundary between reassurance seeking, checking and other safety behaviours can become less clear.
What they may have in common is an attempt to reduce uncertainty and create a sense of safety.
The problem is not needing other people
It is important to avoid a common misunderstanding.
Learning to tolerate uncertainty does not mean becoming completely independent, never asking for help or stopping sharing worries with others.
Relationships are also an important source of emotional support. Seeking comfort from someone we trust can be a healthy way of coping with difficult experiences.
The difference may lie in flexibility.
I may ask my partner for reassurance and then continue with my day, even if a small amount of uncertainty remains.
Or I may feel that I need to keep asking until the anxiety has completely disappeared.
In the second situation, the difficulty is not the need for closeness. It is the growing difficulty of tolerating uncertainty without relying on safety behaviours.
How can the cycle be interrupted?
The first step is not necessarily to stop seeking reassurance suddenly.
It may be more useful to begin by recognising the moment when the urge appears.
We might ask ourselves:
- “Am I looking for information, or am I trying to get rid of my anxiety?”
- “Have I already received an answer but still feel the need to ask again?”
- “What am I afraid might happen if I don’t get this reassurance?”
- “How much uncertainty can I tolerate without trying to eliminate it?”
These questions are not intended to convince us that “everything will be fine.”
Instead, they shift the focus from seeking certainty to developing the capacity to remain with a certain amount of uncertainty.
The role of psychological support
When reassurance seeking becomes frequent and begins to interfere with everyday life, it can be useful to explore how this cycle operates.
Psychological support can help explore the relationship between thoughts, emotions, safety behaviours and intolerance of uncertainty, while identifying more flexible ways of responding to doubt and anxiety.
The goal is not to reach a point where we never have doubts.
It is to learn that we can be okay even when we do not have a certain answer.
Because sometimes the more important question is not:
“How can I be certain that everything will be okay?”
But:
“How can I learn to tolerate the fact that I cannot know for certain how things will turn out?”
References
- Carleton, R. N. (2016). Into the unknown: A review and synthesis of contemporary models involving uncertainty. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 39, 30–43.
- Einstein, D. A. (2014). Extension of the transdiagnostic model to focus on intolerance of uncertainty: A review of the literature and implications for treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 21(3), 280–300.
- Shihata, S., McEvoy, P. M., Mullan, B. A., & Kane, R. T. (2016). Intolerance of uncertainty in emotional disorders: What uncertainties remain? Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 41, 115–124.
- McEvoy, P. M., Mahoney, A. E. J., & Moulds, M. L. (2010). Are worry, rumination, and post-event processing one and the same? Development of the Repetitive Thinking Questionnaire. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 24(5), 509–519.